Jan 072010
 

The times goes way back into my kidhood days where my class teacher Rani was teaching us singular and plural. Teacher was asking us to tell her the plural forms of certain words from her notes. The sequence went like this:

Teacher : Charan tell me plural for lady?
Charan  : Plural for lady is Ladies teacher.
Teacher : Next. Pavan what is the plural for baby?
Pavan   : Babies teacher.
Teacher : Vijay now tell me what is the plural for party?
Vijay   : Parties teacher.
Teacher : Hey you Vineel, What is the plural for TEST?

And I have no idea what is the plural for TEST and as per the flow I immediately said TESTIS, in the same flow as how these guys sounded. I don’t know why she got so angry for my answer and she failed me giving an F in my progress report without telling the reason atleast. Being dumb at subjects but with an inquisitive mind I later came to know the meaning for that word in my intermediate when I first learnt how to read dictionary. After that I never stopped reading dictionary.

From that time onwards I was smitten and cursed by this letter F and was haunted by all of its words. To tell you few examples :

Recently I was at some party and I dropped my fork while eating a big lump of chapati and sabji. With food in my mouth I asked the serving waitress that I need a Fork. That perplexed waitress went and complained against me to the floor in-charge that I am using fowl language. I said FORK with mouthful of food. Whats wrong in that?

One more incident was way back in 2005 when I was in Stockholm before some extravaganza showroom. There was this big bill board with “FCUK” script being displayed. I thought it was a spelling mistake and asked the showroom manager why such a blunder. He showed his pity and educated me that it means “French Connection of United Kingdom” a notable designer brand. See this is what I am saying.

Another one goes with the recent pandemic that created havoc around he world. I was at the super market to buy some spices. Coz of the clustered aisle I sneezed. 4 people did two back flip somersault and landed away from me looking shit scared as if I forced them to a mouth to mouth respiration with me infected with Swine Flu. Come on..its just a normal Flu sneeze. Grrrrrr.

It was in Italy, standing before one monument where there are lots of short fountains shooting high up to the waist. All at floor level, no fence around and kids playing with water. While I was enjoying the scene, one kid bumped into me and pushed me unto the fountain. Instantly I wet my pants with that fountain water. As I turned around, one passer by lady said “the restroom is right over there and don’t teach stupid things to kids”. Though wetting myself over a Fountain might be my fantasy but not like this atleast. Oh come on..I hate F.

Because of all such chain of events all through I always kept myself away from all these F’actors. Like not watching my fav TV channel the FTV(okay except the midnight lingerie shows).. avoided Fountains..stopped using forks..stopped seeing 20th century FOX movies..and lot more.

When things are like this one of my friends invited me to his promotion party at this exotic lounge called “The F-bar”. I was thinking should I take chances or should I get used to this F’obia. I decided to go whatever. With some process running in my mind I was very careful all through enjoying the ambience and music. All of a sudden some gorgeous lady who is more heavy on the upper half of her body came to me and asked If I need a ^%$@&%$@…!! In that loud music and her western accent I couldn’t get what that something was and to my basic understand of English and its supported vocab I replied, “No no lady I don’t want any Frock. I don’t cross dress”. Immediately she called me a FOOL, showed me some F’inger and said FO. I still didn’t get what she meant by FO but all I know was she might be upset for not buying the Frock.

Thats how my life is as of now..and just yesterday night some Swami came in my dreams as said this will be broken on First night. I questioned him “Swami, recently Jan 1st got over and which month’s 1st night please tell me? That Swami screamed for my question and he also said FO and showed some finger. I think it is the finger he showed couldn’t make in that dream properly. Anyways me waiting for F’eb F’irst night. Pray for me.

Teacher : Charan tell me plural for lady?
Charan  : Plural for lady is Ladies teacher.
Teacher : Next. Pavan what is the plural for baby?
Pavan   : Babies teacher.
Teacher : Vijay now tell me what is the plural for party?
Vijay   : Parties teacher.
Teacher : Hey you Vineel, What is the plural for TEST?

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