STOP tricking your wicked brains reading the topic name. I am such a neat guy leading a decent life style. Please don’t drag me into your fixed thinking. I just love languages. Some I love, some I like. But nothing haunts me more than Hindi. I don’t know why, I always fall into a crazy situation when this language is concerned. This haunting had its unfair deal on me all through my stages of life in series of funny mishaps. Let me take you all into the Hindi side of my world and show you how:
Scene 1: My school days:
As I always have a hard corner for chubby girls, I used to make friends with all the Jains, Marwadis and Northie girls in my school times. Despite their friendship and sweets, I never picked up this language. When I wrote my 10th class public exams I was worried that that I will flunk in my Hindi and lose my face before them. But that same day night I had a dream, like I was offering prayers to some divine angel who looked like a Punjabi NRI, pink, tall and chubby. Being a guy who believes in dreams and especially in such kind of angels, I had my hope that I something good may happen. My dream came true and I got 69 in Hindi. Though it was the least of all the remaining subjects, am happy for the number. Somehow how I saved myself.
Scene 2: My moustache days:
These were the times we always wanted to seek attention. College means colors. And you all know how much I love and care for girls. In this mode, I invited 3 of my Northie girl friends, for lunch at home. I asked my mom to prepare some nice Biryani and went for shower. She was super excited and when my friends came in, she invited them all by calling “Randi..Randi” to them. All of them got pissed off. When I later joined, one of them said, “Why is your mother calling us as prostitutes. We are hurt”. I almost had shit in my pants and said, “WHAT…why would she call you like that”? Checking back on what exactly happened, the fact is that, this word “Randi” in Hindi is a slang word for “Prostitute”, where as it is a very warm courtesy way of inviting guests in my native language.
Scene 3: My college days:
Let me tell you how I narrowly escaped one major accident those times. That day I and my friend were going on a bike. The talk went on like this:
He : Hey, lets go to this new movie, seems to be very funny.
Me : Which one ?
He : Eye-She-Queue.
Me : What..? Which movie is that? When did Hollywood start making movies with such crazy names?
He : Arey, this is not an English movie this is a Hindi movie.
Me : Are you mad, I never heard anything of that.
Now at the next turn he showed me the wall poster of that movie. It was ISHQ. Ajay devagan, Kajol, Aamir and Juhi’s. I almost had a skid, missed the gutter pump, hit directly to the buffalo and fell. See I said right.
Scene 4: End of college days:
With this frustration to learn, I decided to hit on to Hindi movies. That time we dont get much Hindi releases at my home town. But to my luck the movie “TAAL” came. I was hearing to its songs. One of the songs that caught my attention was this line in the “EYE-SHE-QUEUE bina” song…oops i mean “ISHQ bina’ song. One line excerpt goes like “Neeche ISHQ hai, uper RUB hai”. I was totally shocked and was like..WTF…? What guts these Hindi people have. How can one write such obscene lines directly in a song and that was said as a super hit of those times. “Neeche” means DOWN. “ISHQ” means LOVE. “Uper” means “Top”. And what is this RUB ON TOP funda. My ignorance was cleared when I later learnt that it is RAB not RUB. RAB means GOD and not to take that sound as in literal English.
Scene 5: Job searching days:
When things were like this, I felt the necessity to learn this language no matter what. So I decided to map Hindi words to day to day meanings and master it. That week attended one interview and coming back to my room I saw this North Indian fast food center on the road side. Feeling hungry I dropped in. There was this lady who was in her mid thirties, impressible enough to attract customers. I went in and said. “I need a CHOLI bath. Make that two. One take away. Should be soft also”. Sad to tell that I was dragged out of that center for speaking nonsense to her. Further explanation made me realize that the dish is called “Chole” not “Choli” and Choli means blouse.
Scene 6: New Job
These bizarre experiences continued even when I first joined this MNC. On my first day I went there with my appointment letter. The receptionist was a fluffy Bengali sitting in the center of the lobby and shez in her skirts. I said, “Am the new joinee, fresher”. She said, “Welcome” and gave me some sheet and said, “You sit there on that sofa and I will call you”. After few mins she called me and said “Tum yahan aav, kuch lick na hain”. I couldn’t understand what she meant by the word LICK, and to my confuse she was having those applications on her lap. Added to this confuse she said “Lick ne ke baad bolo, mein taste karunga”. This is heights. She wants me to LICK and then she says she wants to TASTE. Perplexed, I decided to call my Bengali friend and asked him what she meant. He explained, LICK means “to write” and I guess she would have meant “TEST” not “TASTE” and he said its PAAETHETIK, but that how Bengalis accent is. I realized that he meant pathetic. Ufff, I felt sad to know the meanings and filled up the application.
The next week I encountered the same lady in the elevator and I complimented her saying “You have very good dress sense”. She blushed and said, “Thanks”. Then I said, “COFFEE”..? She said, “Nahin, ab tho mein nikal na hai, kal 6:30 balcony mein bath karenge”. At that time I couldn’t understand what she said but felt that she wants to take BATH with me in the balcony. Twist is she quit the company that next day so my bathing equipment I have brought for that day went wasted.
Scene 7: Current situation:
Now fast forwarding to the present scenario my life has become like a Hindi top chart buster. Ever changing and happening. Work hard party harder. So come on guys let me play my all time favorite track for you all and join me on the dance floor.
DJ saab…start music…Readyyyyyyyyyy threeeeeeeeee twoooooooo oneeeeeeeee lets go HIP HOP RAP…eeeeeee…Neeche ISHQ hai…uper RUB hai..aa RUB..ahaa RUB..dinchak dinchak RUB..aa neeche…oo neeche..bhalle bhalle neeche..bhalle bhalle RUB”….“in dononke BEACH mein sab hai….! everybody hands UP in the air..RUB it in the beach..on yeah..oh baby rub it beach ahaa ahaa..cross ya legs tap ya feet..rub rub rub rub rub rub itttttttt”…!!!!!