Jan 072010
 

The times goes way back into my kidhood days where my class teacher Rani was teaching us singular and plural. Teacher was asking us to tell her the plural forms of certain words from her notes. The sequence went like this:

Teacher : Charan tell me plural for lady?
Charan  : Plural for lady is Ladies teacher.
Teacher : Next. Pavan what is the plural for baby?
Pavan   : Babies teacher.
Teacher : Vijay now tell me what is the plural for party?
Vijay   : Parties teacher.
Teacher : Hey you Vineel, What is the plural for TEST?

And I have no idea what is the plural for TEST and as per the flow I immediately said TESTIS, in the same flow as how these guys sounded. I don’t know why she got so angry for my answer and she failed me giving an F in my progress report without telling the reason atleast. Being dumb at subjects but with an inquisitive mind I later came to know the meaning for that word in my intermediate when I first learnt how to read dictionary. After that I never stopped reading dictionary.

From that time onwards I was smitten and cursed by this letter F and was haunted by all of its words. To tell you few examples :

Recently I was at some party and I dropped my fork while eating a big lump of chapati and sabji. With food in my mouth I asked the serving waitress that I need a Fork. That perplexed waitress went and complained against me to the floor in-charge that I am using fowl language. I said FORK with mouthful of food. Whats wrong in that?

One more incident was way back in 2005 when I was in Stockholm before some extravaganza showroom. There was this big bill board with “FCUK” script being displayed. I thought it was a spelling mistake and asked the showroom manager why such a blunder. He showed his pity and educated me that it means “French Connection of United Kingdom” a notable designer brand. See this is what I am saying.

Another one goes with the recent pandemic that created havoc around he world. I was at the super market to buy some spices. Coz of the clustered aisle I sneezed. 4 people did two back flip somersault and landed away from me looking shit scared as if I forced them to a mouth to mouth respiration with me infected with Swine Flu. Come on..its just a normal Flu sneeze. Grrrrrr.

It was in Italy, standing before one monument where there are lots of short fountains shooting high up to the waist. All at floor level, no fence around and kids playing with water. While I was enjoying the scene, one kid bumped into me and pushed me unto the fountain. Instantly I wet my pants with that fountain water. As I turned around, one passer by lady said “the restroom is right over there and don’t teach stupid things to kids”. Though wetting myself over a Fountain might be my fantasy but not like this atleast. Oh come on..I hate F.

Because of all such chain of events all through I always kept myself away from all these F’actors. Like not watching my fav TV channel the FTV(okay except the midnight lingerie shows).. avoided Fountains..stopped using forks..stopped seeing 20th century FOX movies..and lot more.

When things are like this one of my friends invited me to his promotion party at this exotic lounge called “The F-bar”. I was thinking should I take chances or should I get used to this F’obia. I decided to go whatever. With some process running in my mind I was very careful all through enjoying the ambience and music. All of a sudden some gorgeous lady who is more heavy on the upper half of her body came to me and asked If I need a ^%$@&%$@…!! In that loud music and her western accent I couldn’t get what that something was and to my basic understand of English and its supported vocab I replied, “No no lady I don’t want any Frock. I don’t cross dress”. Immediately she called me a FOOL, showed me some F’inger and said FO. I still didn’t get what she meant by FO but all I know was she might be upset for not buying the Frock.

Thats how my life is as of now..and just yesterday night some Swami came in my dreams as said this will be broken on First night. I questioned him “Swami, recently Jan 1st got over and which month’s 1st night please tell me? That Swami screamed for my question and he also said FO and showed some finger. I think it is the finger he showed couldn’t make in that dream properly. Anyways me waiting for F’eb F’irst night. Pray for me.

Teacher : Charan tell me plural for lady?
Charan  : Plural for lady is Ladies teacher.
Teacher : Next. Pavan what is the plural for baby?
Pavan   : Babies teacher.
Teacher : Vijay now tell me what is the plural for party?
Vijay   : Parties teacher.
Teacher : Hey you Vineel, What is the plural for TEST?

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Rating 4.50 out of 5
Jan 072010
 

JAPAN – The first thing we get to mind when we hear this word is an atom bomb .that Littleboy and the Fatman you remember? next comes their technology. The third picture will be of those hardworking ppl. I will talk about those nuclear stuff and that TRICKnowledge later, but here i want to tell about one intermittent thing we hardly talk about. The Japanese food.

Today I happened to have my tongue taste something very different. Something real Japanese. Okay let me be clear, am talking regarding some root or its a plant or a root plant don’t know what but a pure veggie stuff. Sorry to disappoint you folks to use this veggie word but its true. It is called Wasabi. Despite having dexterity of eating a fish with chopsticks the funda of eating this is quiet unusual. The mere look of this scared me inside out. The whole dish is called soba. Consisting of grey colored noodles. Yeah you read it correct its GREY colored noodles. First time in my life seeing noodles of this color (heard that soba can be found with black colored noodles also. Some day I will put that pic also) and you have a small cup with some less viscosity syrup looking like fermented blood but actually made out of some seaweed, vinegar, soy and fish scales. Another small cup consists of one spade like scrapper and a 4 inch length x 1 inch diameter root with beaten sprouts all over it. That is called Wasabi. Now my excitation levels and my urge to try exotic foods shot up. The game is u got to scrape Wasabi to that scrapper and you get fine grated paste. Now take chops, mix that paste into that syrup. I remembered my chemistry lab sessions in my junior intermediate where I tried to mix H2SO4 with aqua Fortis and burnt the lab table.

I was a lil scared if some big green gaseous bubble will pop out of that potion n a voice speaks to me “TELL ME MY MASTER, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU”. Unfortunately nothing of that sort happened. lil disappointed. Now you take that grey noodles and dip them in this syrup and slurp them in. WHOA .worth the preparation. I cant tell this is the taste I like or can call as love at first slurp but sure this is different. I expected Wasabi to taste like a pith pulp or like some Natraj plasto eraser, coz it did smell so pungent but looks tell like – hey am tasteless. This is one weird taste something like ginger mixed with Hajmola and perfumed with sweetened tincture. I swear it did taste like that. Now don’t ask me when I did taste all these b4. But this is what I felt just in case if we do. The best thing is I liked Wasabi. Sure this going to be a part of my regular delicacies from now on wards.

One more thing talking about SOBA the grey noodles, it has got high traditional values in Japan. This soba is eaten as an usher of good luck, prosperity and as a good omen. esp. when you move to a new house on new years day when you start some new venture etc, you start by eating Soba.

On the whole I enjoyed the lunch today, a typical traditional Japanese style, and awaiting what good luck this food going to bring me with all crossed fingers. No doubt these people are so healthy and have the highest life span rate in the world. Jai Jai Japan .!!!

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Rating 4.56 out of 5
Jan 072010
 

Hahahha…as most of the foreigners, I also became the scapegoat to the technology these Japanese have. Bagging the credit of shitting in 9 different countries of Europe above all being a typical Indian, wherever I go to do my calls I used to go with a coke bottle or some pet bottle, that too into washrooms designed for physically challenged people. Not because I use a wheel chair or I am physically challenged (touch wood) but thats the only place where we can find water outlets. Else u hardly find washbasins in toilets anywhere in Europe.

But here in Japan, it was a total new excitement n something to do with IQ. Did I say IQ…huhh.. Once I gave my MENSA for dummies test and the computer spat on me saying better not to take this test again in this life. So being skeptical about my IQ, as soon as I checked into the Hotel after my long haul flight from Singapore,  first thing to do was to run into toilet. There I saw some miniature space ship kind of gadget. I thought it was that alien EVE we see in this movie Wall-E.

Somehow thinking that it will talk to me or atleast wish me Hi I slowly touched it. Nothing happened. Then I realized it is some kind of commode these Japanese use to do shit. Some how I sat to do my course telling sorry just in case my thought comes alive and this alien shakes hand with me. At that thought I noticed one arm rest like panel, on my right hand side of the commode with some scriptures n symbols on it. Astonished and looking funny, I was puzzled thinking what the heck was this..? Is it some interactive gaming as Nintendo’s WII calling as score hitting while shitting kinds or is it some kind of gadget of CCTV for extra security. U can’t believe Japanese TRICKknowledge. Can’t take chances. So I was smiling all the way of my act if theres some web cam out there hidden so that I would look good n cheerful. Come on. Everybody wants to look good on TV. ..don’t we…?

Now am done…getting puzzled again what this touch panel is…to my remotest though I felt it has something to do with the act itself. whoa…the whole commode is digitalized. Am sitting on a digitalized commode at my service to do everything I want the pot to do. functions like 1) seat warming 2) initial auto sensors to flush lil bit as soon as u sit 3)deodorizers for odour absorption 4) flush sounds ( just the sounds ) to muzzle the droppings n embarrassing sounds 5) water sprayers with 5 levels of water pressure adjustment to clean 6) another spray for diff areas of ur butt 7) wide span sprinklers 8) stop button 9) timers cuts – just in case u did something wrong or over did things, esp for guys like me …lolz 10) blow dryers…etc etc…!!

What a way to shit. Being a lazy sloth am just so pleased and fascinated to see this technology. Forget the multi level subways or the bullet trains. This is just heaven. All u have to do is sit n shit. head over heels on this, I had a doubt, if theres some facility to have a robotic arm with a guided joystick where u can get the hose inserted into ur rectum n have the bionic enema injected n get the shit outta ya….just in case if you feel constipated. Good jeez nothing of that sort as of now. But u can always expect it. U never know. Japanese technology is the best….!! 😉

Now don’t dream with all these facilities. You have some panels completely in Japanese. You dont know what to press and how it responds. So next time you encounter these kind of commodes, I caution you do ur initial trial and error and get accustomed to the symbols. Else you end up either wetting you w’hole butt and dress or burning your base if the previous fellow has put the hot blower at max level or the commode thinks you as a female and have a total different set of cleaning functionality.

Its all just another way to blush with every flush. Have fun..!!

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Rating 4.75 out of 5
Jan 062010
 

OXYMORON – This is one among those few words which
describes Me. This script was written by me some ages back
but edited according to this day and place, and want to host this online here.

The beauty of this article lies in my idea – to write and article on
OXYMORONs, by not writing an article on OXYMORONs,
yet writing an article on OXYMORONS – got it…??

For those who dunno what an OXYMORON means:
An oxymoron (plural oxymora or, more commonly, oxymorons) (noun) is a figure of speech that combines two normally contradictory terms (e.g. “deafening silence”) to make a point.

Now here we go
Oxymoron … Oxymoron… Oxymoron… Ever heard of them…….???????
Probably YES , probably NO … or both together. But sure this word is annoying me comfortably so as to write an article to please it hard especially on these days of my working vacations. So, in this noisy calm weather of Budapest, here I sit with a pen and a diet coke, all alone together, and thinking nothing as what to write. Though I got this site at a very late age of my young life, since then am feeling that I should become a resident alien on this home page.

With plastic glasses on my nose, I first thought of writing about some peace force of United States or on some Military Intelligence of Rwanda. But felt its truly impractical to write something on such trivial things. So I permanently changed my mind not to give in for a take on this thought.

Watching about extinct life on Discovery inventions program , these thoughts went on and on and on… while I was constantly surfing channels. I just turned aside and gazed at my transparent mirror, I found something missing within my heart soul and felt like going out for a while to relax – after all am a single bachelor in my life. Immediately I turned off the TV where a documentary film on some business ethics in political sciences was getting broadcasted. Anyway I wore my tight slack and went out, locking the door behind.

This thought still persisting in my mind once in a while, I bumped into a library which is near far from my room. There I joined a small crowd talking about temporary tax increase in those so called calm zones. Within a short time break, I realized I wont fit into those butt headed topics and went away from myself. On the move I started taping live scenes through my eye lens, so that I can use them in writing this article if any. Way back to my place, though being a teetotaler, I thought of getting drunk legally. But with held the desire. I walked past the streets the whole evening like a living dead but acting naturally. At last I came back home. I took a hot shower bath and with a synthetic cotton towel around my waist I switched on my CD player for some soft rock to listen.

I poured the strong black coffee from the cold casserole with some ice cubes chips and sugar jelly on top. Gazing at the stars, wishing I should have been in some government organization instead of doing software designing, my thoughts flew all over the empty sky reaching nowhere.

Wait a minute for sometime …let me do my exact estimation of these self proclaimed, so called advanced basic thoughts resembling like a new classic of the modern past. Terribly pleased with all my true lies, sitting with thunderous silence all around in my balcony with an old new book in hand, drinking that bitter sweet cold coffee, and silently screaming that I completed this article – with the same difference from the beginning, I gave a start to end this article.

With little bit of religious tolerance and cruel kindness, I pray GOD to excuse all those people who would call this article as a genuine imitation of intelligent stupidity, so that they wont call me a wise fool.

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Rating 4.87 out of 5