Feb 162015
 

One of my New Year resolutions is to revive this site..and continue in Titling your naughty bone. As a part of it-Here comes my first blog for this year where I am doing little bit of a naming ceremony and you are all invited to join me hands in going through this christening function –

LOLitha – The kind of girls who uses LOL extensively on chats, FB, Twitter, WhatsApp etc absolutely for anything and everything.
Eg :

Status 1: My GrandPa..died and I miss him.. :-(
LOLitha: RIP Grandpa..LOL :-)
(WTF..Whats LOL in losing a GrandPa..?)

Scene 1: A beautiful sun rise picture being shared on FB
LOLitha : LOL.. :)
(Errr..I have no idea what LOL has to do with a Sun set..nor what is so Hilarious about Dawn)

Scene 2: Someone would have shared a nice cute picture of their kid
LOLitha : You have a nice kid ..LOL.. 😀
(This freaks me out. Unless the Kid is a hobbit or has something funny, I really don’t get it what is there to Laugh Out Loud on that..)

These LOLithas confuse me more than making me get infuriated. Is it only me who is susceptible to their dumb humor..? Probably not..LOL..(Oops..I don’t want to become a LOLith now)

scootyHORSEitha : This appreciation goes exclusively to women riders on Indian roads who ride a Scooty/Activa/Zing whichever of such kind of vehicles. But one funny thing we can observe is the way the vehicle is ridden. Most of the time I see that the legs are in splits and are left free to each of the sides dangling in air as if your are riding a horse without a saddle. This reminds me of Road Rash game where the riders can kick other riders or the police whoever is passing by for extra bonus points. Women – Please tell me, is riding the vehicle that much difficult or is it a style to ride like that..I still don’t understand. Guys next time when you see a HORSEitha just yell at her “Nice horse..Madam”..! :)

DUCKshitha (This is not Dhakshitha) : The name says it all. Hail all those ultra-young and modern Selfie faceaficionados no matter what, which position they are in, when anyone says pose for the camera..an involuntary awkward muscle protuberance happens with an instant pout on their lips. Whether they are undergoing labor pains..or they in middle of floods or tasting a lime..doesn’t matter. You say let’s take a snap then immediately their DUCK hormones gets activated and poof they are ready with a pout. Girls – Excuse us..if you feel it is style and makes u feel as sultry siren..you are wrong. All it makes us feel is to become the greedy farmer in the story “The Duck that lays a Golden Egg”.

isSHITha : The special clan of girls who are very much culture centric and show as if they are the incarnation of Indian values and in reality their traditional acumen will as big as a pea. Eg: You can see them wearing Indian dresses (Chudidhars, Saree) even in Minus degree temperatures when they come onsite. They give lengthy lectures if we suggest them to change. The chill will be hitting till their waist line from bottom, still they are ok not to wear jeans or any western wear and on top speak ill of those who does.

Let me get the truth-o-meter here. The reality is :

  • Most of them will be bodily-challenged to fit in such clothes
  • Will be very miserly afflicted to spend money
  • Have husband or Boyfriend who are a combo of the above two points
  • Have the exposure quotient the size of a NUTgame

These kind of girls won’t even mind to wear Saree/Ghagra Choli to play beach volley ball or a football match and elevate the traditional values as high as a punctured ball goes. Wish to put some sand into my eyes than see this..God Bless them.

SUSUmitha : Haahhaa..This name made me laugh just by its mere sound. wcThe kind of a person who is addicted to going to loo wherever they go. Unless they bless the restroom in that place, their heart won’t be in content. Doesn’t matter where they go. Be it if they get into a flight, go to a new area, go to beach, go to a carnival, friends place, shopping mall..etc. Even if they become an astronaut and go to moon, first thing to do after going there is to do..SU SU. Long live the bladder..

FACEitha : You see them everywhere and almost every day. The evidences of these kinds of species is growing huge day by day and still counting. The interesting cute bubbly type of young girls and wives who keep selfies of their faces but nothing else. Some of the DUCKshitas you find in this category. If you continue clicking their next 50 pics of theirs, it will all be just faces faces and faces. Lucky be the one who finds a full length pic of them. But 95% chances is that it will be minimum 3 years old snap. If you ask me WHY..?I also don’t know but once you see them in full then probably you may understand the reason. No comments..just be watchful.

So my dear Buddies – Next time you get to see or come across these kinds of esteemed genre, don’t forget to think of these names and have a chuckle. And do let me know in comments of any other types you can categorise accordingly. Anyways as Shakespeare once said ..All is fine on Twitter and Facebook. Nail them all. Oops..I mean, Hail them all..

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Rating 4.50 out of 5
Mar 292013
 

This blogs goes spiraling back into my childhood days when all I keep thinking was about how life on this planet did have a start. This thought made me to past forward my learning from the Biology classes that life started from a single celled organism. God only knows how that is possible. May be the word “Buffet and Self service” was coined considering this act. Keeping the “Big Bang theory” aside from one of my previous posts, despite getting kinky thoughts on this word, this curiosity regarding life started increasing as things started growing UP.

Due to this inquisitiveness, I started reading lot of books and watched channels like animal planet and NGC. Being a curious child, my brain started becoming a laboratory for virtual prototypes. I even made a Daddy Horse and Mummy Rhino and their baby Unicorn. I even took the three models to my origami class. My teacher asked me where I got this idea and I said Animal Planet. She asked me to watch more of cartoon network. That day I watched Ariel on cartoon network. I started thinking who Ariel’s mummy is.  Right from childhood I was always considerate to mummies and my neighborhood aunties. One of the plausible reasons might be due to me spending more time in their laps than in my huggie naps. Thanks to my Mom for she giving me away to all our neighbors to retain her peace of mind. So out of this consideration, in my next class I asked how do mummy mermaids make babies? She said about the stork bringing the babies and regarding the daddy part she skipped it. I was happy for the answer at least some one is making babies somewhere and should be more of a cottage industry I felt.

Throughout my schooling I always had tough time understanding the reality of life. Once my teacher was teaching about hybrid plants and how strong they are to sustain drought and extreme weather conditions. She gave an example of a mule too. I was so fascinated by the story and I once again made my own Mule family. Daddy Mule, Mummy Mule and Baby Mule with clay and took them to my class. My teacher tried to explain the major design flaw of hybrids but failed to convince me. Later I realized the inevitable that they can’t make babies. Sad but true. There after I was sent out of the class many times for my curious questions which has become a routine for me in every Biology and moral science class subsequently.

Later, the time has come that my Dad came to me and tried to initiate talk regarding Birds and Bees. That was the most entertaining talk I ever had with my Dad. Birds and Bees…I thought Whoa..is more like an orgy. Then I added one more to my interest list to see how a bird can make it out with a bee. Beaks Vs Stings which would win..damn the though itself felt so gay so dropped the thought over all. As the disappointment ruminating in my mind, the time has come for me to join the college. When we are searching for which college I should join I came across, one college that said “B.R.A Open University”. The whole of my childhood questions just befell and thought if I have to study in any college this is it. Felt I just discovered stair case to heaven. To my dismay I later learn that it is “Bheem Rao Ambedkar Open University” for vocational courses. The stair case crumbled altogether. Now as I got married and undergoing the nuptial bliss, the importance of all my learning made me realize just one thing. As Darwin said..Natural selection is the key for all Life to happen, that leads to spermutations and combinations. So going back to my initial learning, whether life would have started from a single celled organism or not…but sure the trails would have got started from a single cell’s orgasm. God Bless us All..Amen..Ahh Women..!!

Shares your Qs and any related thoughts you had in your childhood as comments. Waiting for..

 

 

 

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Rating 4.67 out of 5
Sep 172010
 

Recently I had a dream. I was dead and I was at St. Peters gates. The entrance where you will be sent to Hell or Heaven depending on how much and what kind of FUN you had in your life. The whole place is as white as possible. All kinds of angels in transparent dresses, along with their playboy bunny clips. Nice seducing music as if they are playing “Principles of Lust” song of Enigma repeatedly since ages. The angels are in the best of their powder puffed pink skin, clad in as skimpy dresses as possible and I feel they all should be suffering from lower back problems for their endowment. GODs must be crazy I say. Seeing them I realized why we call someone whoz gorgeous as an ANGEL. Near the Pearly gates I saw people are being interviewed and anyone who has small chances of getting into Heaven are filtered by the answers they give at that entrance gate. I was excited, for my final luck and waited for my turn.

Suddenly one chubby angel appeared from no where with a pen and a paper. She said, “Hey YOU…isn’t your name VIZARD”..? I nodded as YES. Being a chivalrous guy I asked her, “Who are you mam”? She showed the small name tag which was placed over her décolleté with word “PRESS” inscribed on. I was like WOW..(reminded me of Pronothi Mukherjee..guys hope you remember her from my previous post )these angels sure knows how to treat their customers. Alas my thought was killed when she said she is angels’ journalist and a “PRESS” reporter. She takes interviews with people in random, for her internship thesis it seems. She got my history from her LAPTOP and the rapid fire Qs went on like this.

Angel(A) : Answer my Qs straight and even if you want to lie you cant and we let you speak only the truth and nothing but the truth.
Vizard(V) : Yes, beautifull.  ( OOps..And I bit my tongue for my reflex answer.)

A : (Confused with my answer) Okay select one topic from these four options.
1) Quantum Physics 2) Financial management 3) Para-psychology 4) Women
V : WOMEN.

A : Why did you select this topic?
V : I like always love complex things. Its the only complex topic of all these four. :)

A : Do you like them?
V : Like is a substantial word. I just  love them so much. I am a feminist. In fact if I am a woman I would be a lesbian.

A : Hmm…Any reason for this obsession?
V : Its not an obsession its the NAKED fact.

A : Can you tell us that Fact, keeping the Naked part aside.
V : They are the indirect rulers of this hole world. And I like Power to take into my hands.

A : Ohkay…So which half of women do you prefer to have for your self.
V : The front half.

A : Shed some light on the difference between a Gurl and a Woman.
V : Gurl has all things less in size comparative to a woman. I am talking in terms of brains and maturity factor. This is the main diff.

A : What is that you look in a women?
V : Beauty and BRAins.

A : Ever danced with a women?
V : Yes, horizontally.

A : Tell some more most sexiest words you ever heard apart from Women
V : Lady, Girl, Female..etc etc.

A : What is the best way to read a women?
V : Through Braille language. Touch and Try.

A : I keep hearing this quote that says, “All MEN are DOGS”. Why so?
V : Coz they are honest, they love LICKING…and its a STYLE.

A : Which temple you loved the best in your life?
V : Khajuraho temple.

A : Just tell me in two words your opinion about sex.
V : Yes, please. 😉

A : Whats your favorite color code for dress for a woman?
V : Transparent.

A : To which number do you associate the word WOMEN and why?
V : Number 8. That is the shape of a woman and that is how a woman should be. Thin at the waist and..

( Angel blushing and interrupting…) OOOOOOOk I get it.

A : What kind of animals you like..and Why..?
V : Mammals..and Why means..

(Interrupting me again..huh…)

A : …Ok Ok….no need to explain I can understand…next Q, Have u ever lied?
V : YES, I didn’t.

A : Do you believe in GOOD LUCK?
V : Of course who wouldn’t…ohh by the way you said LUCK..oops..sorry I heard it as something else. Nope..I don’t believe in LUCK factor.

A : Then how are you expecting to get into Heaven?
V : Nope I am not expecting anything. Where ever I am its heaVen for me..if its not I can make one for my own.

A : Appreciating your boldness and your chivalry. Best place is that you be back to Earth and help and make all those women live their life happily ever after.
V : Appreciating your EVERYTHING, thank u mam and hope to mate you soon..err..I mean meet me if you please..soon some day some way.
A : Will be looking for..take your own time. BLESS YOU Mister.

With this I woke up from my dream and felt myself as if I got Enlightened in BED…awww..!! Believe me readers if we take statistics, I feel BED is the only place where almost each one of us would have had our share of enlightenment and happiness. The place that transforms us, makes us grow think and be matured. Now write about your enlightenment just in case if you had one in your BED..and share your thoughts in the comment section.

I just love my BED thats where I do the BEST of my works…!!

By the way read the comments and my replies. And if you have given your comment come back and check for my reply. This will double amuse you.

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Rating 4.21 out of 5
May 222010
 

Before I say anything, I want to THANK all those lovely GALS, for your candid appreciations you people gave to me regarding my “No Entry” post. Nice to know that, you all changed your way of posing for camera and have a better decorum. I want you all to be as beautiFULL as possible. Stay young, Stay  fit, Stay naughty.

Back to business. ONE-SIN-a-while we come across things which goes far more embarrassing than we can ever imagine. Especially at our work places. So here I am going to narrate few of my classified experiences or ideas I have undergone while working in and around the office space.

There is this special period of time where we have lot of releases in project and managers come and speak the same stuff for each and every celebration. At this time we got a mail saying as “Sweets at my DESK” from one of our colleague for he is blessed with a baby boy. We all went to CONGRATULATE him and along the group came our Senior manager. He said “Good job Dev, keep up the momentum and the pendulum swinging, I am proud of you and company needs people like you”. We were all startled hearing these lines. There was a drop of silence in that cubicle. On top still not realizing the reason for the sweets he said, you should share your experience and do the knowledge transfer on this to all our team members. I was more than happy to attend that session in case it happens, but our immediate project manager whispered to that BigBoss saying, “This Dev is not that Dev, who won the customer appreciation award for his work”….beeeeeeeep went the alarm in everyone’s mind. 😛

Similar incident regarding child birth happened in one past project of mine. Hope I won’t get fired for writing this. This Manager is one workcoholic and almost he stays in office for 13-14 hrs excluding the travel time. Once he has sent a mail to the entire team saying that, “He is blessed with a baby boy, sharing this happy news with you all”. Now everyone is totally surprised as how can this happen..! And everyone was eager to see the baby, just for the reason by any remotest chance looks like that manager who is supposed to be its father as per the mail at least. But alas the baby looked more like its mother. Ask me no Questions I tell no lies. The doubt is still persisting.

This crazy incident happened recently. I cleared some certification and sent this mail “Sweets at my desk”. One girl who recently got married came for the sweets and the conversation went like this:
She : Congratulations.
Me  : Thank you. Have some sweets.
[She took the sweets and was searching for something else]
She : No namkeen*?? Oh no, I like SALTY stuff only. No sweets.
Me  : Oh yeah, you are MARRIED now, I can understand.
[For readers : Namkeen is hot n salty kind of Indian snacks]

I said this line in a way, as she is married and want to watch her weight, so no sweets.
But she took my line in a different way and BLUSHED, the reason which I don’t want to discuss here. She was happy anyway. So am I.

This incident I always keep sharing at any of my social gatherings. There was this project where to compile the code we need to make a folder with a name as “permanent” folder. So the name of the folder can vary as perm1, perm2 depending as per the compilation version. Some people use the first letter of their names for identification. For example I used to make it as Vperm1, Vperm2 etc. Once my onsite manager wanted to check some common permanent folder section and he opened the database. The whole database was consisting of folders named as Sperm1, Sperm2, Sperm3 as if we hacked into some Sperm bank. Nearly 25 people across different geographies were in that live net meeting and this folder was opened through the projector and the whole screen was full of Sperms with numbers assigned to them. Oops missed to tell you all, that folder belongs to one of our colleague whose name is Sagar and he used S as an identifier for his folders. It was an embarrassing situation to all the women and men who were attending that live meeting but my manager cracked a joke saying – Yeah now I can understand why we are 2nd largest in the population. Rest is history.

There were those times where we used to have a graffiti board before we enter our floor. Wherever there was any movie screening in our campus we used to write the movie name under the section FLICK OF THE WEEK. Once the situation happened such a way that, it went beyond explanation and embarrassed the whole tower. A print out with big fonts saying “FLICK OF THE WEEK – CLINT EASTWOOD”, was pasted on the footer end of the board due to lack of space anywhere else. Someone has dragged a chair to that board and the beading of the chair covered the last part of the script making it look as the below pic. That made the letters LI together started  looking like the letter U.

Now imagine how much crowd would have got gathered for that movie. Hope supersedes anything else. Add your comments and share your office/work related experiences with all our fellow readers.

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Rating 4.53 out of 5
Apr 142010
 

This is IT. The time has come for all of us to understand these big pussy cats. Everywhere we have been hearing this BUZZ word from Los Angels to Bengal. SAVE THE TIGERS only 1411 are left. While everyone is giving their share of contribution to this ecological problem, let this VIZARD take you still more deeper into this global issue and do some fault analysis that lead to this crisis we are facing now.

Somewhere I read, “Its not where you fell that is important but where you slipped”. Connecting this above quote to the present TIGER situation I feel the major problem is lying in lack of understanding the problem itself. Lets do some root cause analysis at this issue of endangering Tigers. Lets Question – Why is that the TIGER population is decreasing day by day…? What does this mean..?

I want all you people to have a PAUSE and think what would be the basic problem for this situation to arise. OK..come on everybody how many of you said the problem is “SEX”..? Please raise your hands and give me your smile. Damn…exact bang on the target. That is what I want to speak regarding. SEX is the root cause. As per MY-thology, these Tigers are bad lovers and suck when it comes to the art of Love making. Yeah I know India is the place where KamaSutra came from, but what to do with these Tigers..they cant read Sanskrit or infact any of the languages in which this KS translated into. As every great person has his/her own pit falls here is a sheer example of this majestic animal. They fail when it comes to the Principles of LUST. May be we should feed them with some aphrodisiac or we should remove any of the family planning techniques if they are implementing just in case.

We all know this proverb “Money is the root of all evil”. But I feel its not Money. Imagine you give some million dollars to each of the tiger? What will happen? Nothing. OK, lets be practical we give all that comfort for a million dollars to these lazy animals. Again whats the result? Nothing. They will sleep the whole day, eat and sleep and eat and sleep. Here I am not discriminating male and female tigers. They are all the same. At the worse they will become fat and they will sleep for some more. Do you see the problem? Its not the money. Its the lack of this urge is the problem. Give those tigers some shots of libido quotient improvement tonic. Inject them with some love potions. Drug them. Make them hang around with those lazy other wild cats. Make them make love. If they are bored of the same partner, get them or give them a chance to go inter racial or taste across geographies. Let the Siberian mate with a nice chubby Bengali. Let the yellow stripes mix around with some White stripes. We are not worried about what color as long as we are able to bring back the count. Numbers do matter. Help them.

While the Indian situation is like this, lets shift the focus to international arena. The scenario is total reverse. I heard of one Tiger in United States of America acting completely different than any of these Indian counter parts. That Tiger is so advanced in its genetics and evolution it can even play Golf. Its been sleeping with God knows with what kind of different pussy cats around the world, earning huge money and fame together. Even the American government was also worried about the screwing capabilities of this Tiger Pro and raised a hue and cry to stop this sex machine. I guess they call it as Tiger Woods. But as I say end of the day its the results that is important. Even that Tiger didn’t bring in much of newer generation by its acts of inter courses with different other species. It became scandalous but not much KIDS yet. That means whether in India or abroad bottom line is “Tigers are bad at SEX and reproduction”. So donating money, or doing preaching, hoarding bill boards and raising banners wont make these lazy bums to go and make love. All we can do is just hope they get into mood, go wild as their name, start screwing and populate. Lets all pray for that.

Now next time anyone calls you as “Son of a Tiger” or “Share ka puttar” or something related to the greatness of Tiger…phew…you should be knowing the reality answer that you are Bad in BED and cant reproduce and no one wants you. May be you will have to remain just happy and GAY. Whatever makes you feel fine. Now please share your ideas and give your comments on how we can teach these tigers to perform better and make babies.

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Rating 4.65 out of 5
Mar 052010
 

Hey all you naughty people out there. Regrets..! Been little out of this site. The reason is that my hands and fingers were busy doing lot other things these days. Hope you can understand. Anyway here I am with another series of my experiences and thoughts to share with you all. If you are a girl let me rib tickle you and if you are anything apart from a female please help yourself.

Past couple of years I have become Don Juan. Roaming around the bust area of this planet called Earth. Areas around Tropic of Cancer I mean. Wish to go down South soon. Crossed fingers and open legs lets see. Aaachoooo….press me. Oops Bless Me. In these roamings, I had some interesting in-flight experiences regarding which am going to share one of my classified acts.

Place :  Inside UAE flight. Flying from JFK  –> DUBAI.
If there is anything nearly as beautiful as a Middle Eastern lady, its nothing but another Middle Eastern lady. Having a hard corner for these Middle Eastern women I got my ticket booked exclusively in UAE flight. 30 minutes after the flight took off I also felt like to take off my pants and sit naked. Just for the reason to show everyone that I am happy and excited to travel UAE airlines. When I was dreaming like this, one creamish air-hostess who would be the best pick for Milkmaid ad campaign for all obvious reasons, came near me. She bent over and about to ask me something. Before she said anything I said “Yes, take me in”. She looked puzzled and started taking me by her hands and said follow me. I wantedly stumbled and fell on her flat and the pose was enough to make all my male co-passengers go green, not coz the position was quiet nature oriented, but with you know… out of sheer jealousy. Perfect Kodak moment on the aisle. We both together looked like Black forest pastry. Brown on top of White cream. We got up and she has hurt her finger while falling down. I remembered when I was a kid what we used to do when anyone’s finger gets hurt. Just take it in your mouth and suck it. I immediately did the same. The air-hostess turned pink and gave a slight moan. My excitation reached peak. Then she said, Baby… get off my foot its paining. I realized the moan is coz of my stamp not of my suck. Oops… what the Duck. She had me close to her and made me sit in the front row so that I would be in her visual contact.

Don’t know why she showed extra attention on me… but I started enjoying the special attention. She asked me what do I want…Coffee or Tea. I asked for Milk. She fed me with a different container regarding which I don’t want to talk about it here. She started speaking as if she is speaking with some parrot or a pet dog. I started replying in the same tempo to keep the flow. She kept hugging me frequently. Every time she hugged me I felt am turning into a stone man. In this care taking of me, she said that the flight is hers. So I asked her if I see her cock-pit. She blushed and said nope. I understood why she said nope probably of security reasons, but I still didn’t get why she blushed. Hours literally flew by and I became her most favorite in that 14 hour journey. We even played many role playing games like mummy-daddy game, doctor-nurse game in her cabin. She was giggling the whole of the role playing. May be she liked the games. She even gave me a massage. She so soft n nice, except that she made a remark saying, “You look too big to your age, I like it”. I was upset little bit, coz people say I look young to my age but she said the reverse of it. Never mind, I was happy for her private sessions so why bother.

Now flight landed in DUBAI, and everyone was walking to the entrance. My air-hostess friend asked me to stay seated till everyone evacuates the flight. She went near the door and with all that blush, started greeting each and every passenger, “Thanks for flying Emirates, hope you enjoyed flying Emirates”. At that time there was this Arab lady with one funny looking Orangutan kind of kid in her hands, fuming and shouting. The discussion went like this:

Arab lady: I want to complaint to the UAE authorities. ..@@*&^%)*^&()*^$%^&$^%$…
My Air-hostess friend: Why madam, what happened? How can I help you?
Arab lady: I belong to the Arab Emirates royalty. Took special permission and paid extra for my mentally challenged kid to be taken care and pampered. Did you get any intimation? I am going to sue UAE.
My Air-hostess friend: I am sorry madam, what is your seat number?
Arab lady: 86D

My Air-hostess friend turned towards me and asked for my seat number with a confused face.
I shouted back 36D.

That time only she and I realized that 8 and 3 look almost the same on a print text. She thought I am that retard kid. Didn’t expect that retards can have this much FUN in life. God Bless them.  Them I mean the Air-hostesses.

Don’t miss to read the comments and add your own too.

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Rating 4.55 out of 5
Feb 102010
 

This topic goes way beyond time and space. To your fortune, some of those queries which Einstein couldn’t answer I will try to answer them here. Let me take you to that point which is called as the start of time. Nothing was there except God. Suddenly he said “Let there be LIGHT” and there was light. Still nothing was there, but you can see that clear. For God the week starts on Monday. Next 6 days he worked like an IT guy with crash crunch dead lines in making the World. He created Adam and he felt that ADAM is missing some things. His thought was correct. Then he created Eve and I can say, that is his best creation till now. After the 6th day he felt tired and took rest. So it was a holiday for him and we call that as SUNDAY.

Now these two, Adam and Eve roamed naked in the Eden garden. They were the first unregistered members of PETA. Coz they never ate Non-veg nor tasted any flesh. Being naked also didn’t help them much. When things are this worse, Serpent came. Now I will snap on your head if you ask why God created serpent. May be he likes reality shows or to increase his TRP ratings he would have created this Big Boss, called serpent. Serpent came with an Apple and lured Adam. People think that Serpent want to take revenge on God but I feel Serpent is a GAY. So he in his flashy dress gave this Apple to Adam. But Adam being a chivalrous guy like me shared that with Eve, anyway he don’t have  any other option.

Suddenly the revelations started to happen. It was like injecting Encyclopedia of Britannica with Google algorithm into each other. They started to realize the Ifs and BUTTS, the UPs and DOWNs and all those kinetic theories, laws of motion and nature. Under one Bodhi tree they did the inevitable,  made LOVE. That is what is called “The Big Bang theory”. This is the reality. Rest of the chemical and astro physical laws are all for head ache. If man would have realized this reality, world would have been still a better place. FYI: With this they lost their eternal membership from PETA for tasting flesh. But they didn’t care and even they were pro Global WARMing. At that time its needed anyway.

One more interesting fact is that, its the Adam who preceded Newton in discovering Gravitational pull. Needn’t to mention that Apple was the reason for both of them to discover this force of Magnetism. The only difference is, Newton’s was vertical, where as Adam’s was horizontal. We are least bothered about the direction, but lets concentrate on this powerful outcomes and its SINfluence. Newton said Earth is a big magnet. Adam realized Woman is the big magnet. I feel Adam is correct.

As I said Adam and Eve made love under a Bodhi tree, now you should co-relate its importance. Maybe thats the reason how Buddha got his enlightenment under the same tree. One more important thing to discuss is this Big Bang happened on the 18th day. That is the reason why the number 18 is a notation for Adult content. The red Octagon. It is even the cut off age for anyone to be called as an Adult. Even to vote in a democratic country like India, we need to cross this age 18. Now you know why it is called as Adult Franchise. That is why we all learn our alphabets beginning with A for Apple which directly or indirectly a reason to teach all our kids that, all you fellas are the results caused by this wonderful fruit. Even we hear this saying “An Apple a day keeps the doctor away”. But not to forget its contemporary extension “If the doctor is cute, screw the fruit”. Yes I always give the credit to Eve.

Next time when you eat an Apple or you hear kids learning A for Apple, you know the reason as why and what is the underlying story and the credits this awesome fruit brings to us all.  Now give your comments below and have a nice Big Bang day.

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Rating 4.14 out of 5
Jan 302010
 

STOP tricking your wicked brains reading the topic name. I am such a neat guy leading a decent life style. Please don’t drag me into your fixed thinking. I just love languages. Some I love, some I like. But nothing haunts me more than Hindi. I don’t know why, I always fall into a crazy situation when this language is concerned. This haunting had its unfair deal on me all through my stages of life in series of funny mishaps. Let me take you all into the Hindi side of my world and show you how:

Scene 1: My school days:
As I always have a hard corner for chubby girls, I used to make friends with all the Jains, Marwadis and Northie girls in my school times. Despite their friendship and sweets, I never picked up this language. When I wrote my 10th class public exams I was worried that that I will flunk in my Hindi and lose my face before them. But that same day night I had a dream, like I was offering prayers to some divine angel who looked like a Punjabi NRI, pink, tall and chubby. Being a guy who believes in dreams and especially in such kind of angels, I had my hope that I something good may happen. My dream came true and I got 69 in Hindi. Though it was the least of all the remaining subjects, am happy for the number. Somehow how I saved myself.

Scene 2: My moustache days:
These were the times we always wanted to seek attention. College means colors. And you all know how much I love and care for girls. In this mode, I invited 3 of my Northie girl friends, for lunch at home. I asked my mom to prepare some nice Biryani and went for shower. She was super excited and when my friends came in, she invited them all by calling “Randi..Randi” to them. All of them got pissed off. When I later joined, one of them said, “Why is your mother calling us as prostitutes. We are hurt”. I almost had shit in my pants and said, “WHAT…why would she call you like that”? Checking back on what exactly happened, the fact is that, this word “Randi” in Hindi is a slang word for “Prostitute”, where as it is a very warm courtesy way of inviting guests in my native language.

Scene 3: My college days:
Let me tell you how I narrowly escaped one major accident those times. That day I and my friend were going on a bike. The talk went on like this:

He : Hey, lets go to this new movie, seems to be very funny.
Me : Which one ?
He : Eye-She-Queue.
Me : What..? Which movie is that? When did Hollywood start making movies with such crazy names?
He : Arey, this is not an English movie this is a Hindi movie.
Me : Are you mad, I never heard anything of that.

Now at the next turn he showed me the wall poster of that movie. It was ISHQ. Ajay devagan, Kajol, Aamir and Juhi’s. I almost had a skid, missed the gutter pump, hit directly to the buffalo and fell. See I said right.

Scene 4: End of college days:
With this frustration to learn, I decided to hit on to Hindi movies. That time we dont get much Hindi releases at my home town. But to my luck the movie “TAAL” came. I was hearing to its songs. One of the songs that caught my attention was this line in the “EYE-SHE-QUEUE bina” song…oops i mean “ISHQ bina’ song. One line excerpt goes like “Neeche ISHQ hai, uper RUB hai”. I was totally shocked and was like..WTF…? What guts these Hindi people have. How can one write such obscene lines directly in a song and that was said as a super hit of those times. “Neeche” means DOWN. “ISHQ” means LOVE. “Uper” means “Top”. And what is this RUB ON TOP funda. My ignorance was cleared when I later learnt that it is RAB not RUB. RAB means GOD and not to take that sound as in literal English.

Scene 5: Job searching days:
When things were like this, I felt the necessity to learn this language no matter what. So I decided to map Hindi words to day to day meanings and master it. That week attended one interview and coming back to my room I saw this North Indian fast food center on the road side. Feeling hungry I dropped in. There was this lady who was in her mid thirties, impressible enough to attract customers. I went in and said. “I need a CHOLI bath. Make that two. One take away. Should be soft also”. Sad to tell that I was dragged out of that center for speaking nonsense to her. Further explanation made me realize that the dish is called “Chole” not “Choli” and Choli means blouse.

Scene 6: New Job
These bizarre experiences continued even when I first joined this MNC. On my first day I went there with my appointment letter. The receptionist was a fluffy Bengali sitting in the center of the lobby and shez in her skirts. I said, “Am the new joinee, fresher”. She said, “Welcome” and gave me some sheet and said, “You sit there on that sofa and I will call you”. After few mins she called me and said “Tum yahan aav, kuch lick na hain”. I couldn’t understand what she meant by the word LICK, and to my confuse she was having those applications on her lap. Added to this confuse she said “Lick ne ke baad bolo, mein taste karunga”. This is heights. She wants me to LICK and then she says she wants to TASTE. Perplexed, I decided to call my Bengali friend and asked him what she meant. He explained, LICK means “to write” and I guess she would have meant “TEST” not “TASTE” and he said its PAAETHETIK, but that how Bengalis accent is. I realized that he meant pathetic. Ufff, I felt sad to know the meanings and filled up the application.

The next week I encountered the same lady in the elevator and I complimented her saying “You have very good dress sense”. She blushed and said, “Thanks”. Then I said, “COFFEE”..? She said, “Nahin, ab tho mein nikal na hai, kal 6:30 balcony mein bath karenge”. At that time I couldn’t understand what she said but felt that she wants to take BATH with me in the balcony. Twist is she quit the company that next day so my bathing equipment I have brought for that day went wasted.

Scene 7: Current situation:
Now fast forwarding to the present scenario my life has become like a Hindi top chart buster. Ever changing and happening. Work hard party harder. So come on guys let me play my all time favorite track for you all and join me on the dance floor.

DJ saab…start music…Readyyyyyyyyyy threeeeeeeeee twoooooooo oneeeeeeeee lets go HIP HOP RAP…eeeeeee…Neeche ISHQ hai…uper RUB hai..aa RUB..ahaa RUB..dinchak dinchak RUB..aa neeche…oo neeche..bhalle bhalle neeche..bhalle bhalle RUB”….“in dononke BEACH mein sab hai….! everybody hands UP in the air..RUB it in the beach..on yeah..oh baby rub it beach ahaa ahaa..cross ya legs tap ya feet..rub rub rub rub rub rub itttttttt”…!!!!!

Please share if any of your bone got TICKLED
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