Jan 302010

STOP tricking your wicked brains reading the topic name. I am such a neat guy leading a decent life style. Please don’t drag me into your fixed thinking. I just love languages. Some I love, some I like. But nothing haunts me more than Hindi. I don’t know why, I always fall into a crazy situation when this language is concerned. This haunting had its unfair deal on me all through my stages of life in series of funny mishaps. Let me take you all into the Hindi side of my world and show you how:

Scene 1: My school days:
As I always have a hard corner for chubby girls, I used to make friends with all the Jains, Marwadis and Northie girls in my school times. Despite their friendship and sweets, I never picked up this language. When I wrote my 10th class public exams I was worried that that I will flunk in my Hindi and lose my face before them. But that same day night I had a dream, like I was offering prayers to some divine angel who looked like a Punjabi NRI, pink, tall and chubby. Being a guy who believes in dreams and especially in such kind of angels, I had my hope that I something good may happen. My dream came true and I got 69 in Hindi. Though it was the least of all the remaining subjects, am happy for the number. Somehow how I saved myself.

Scene 2: My moustache days:
These were the times we always wanted to seek attention. College means colors. And you all know how much I love and care for girls. In this mode, I invited 3 of my Northie girl friends, for lunch at home. I asked my mom to prepare some nice Biryani and went for shower. She was super excited and when my friends came in, she invited them all by calling “Randi..Randi” to them. All of them got pissed off. When I later joined, one of them said, “Why is your mother calling us as prostitutes. We are hurt”. I almost had shit in my pants and said, “WHAT…why would she call you like that”? Checking back on what exactly happened, the fact is that, this word “Randi” in Hindi is a slang word for “Prostitute”, where as it is a very warm courtesy way of inviting guests in my native language.

Scene 3: My college days:
Let me tell you how I narrowly escaped one major accident those times. That day I and my friend were going on a bike. The talk went on like this:

He : Hey, lets go to this new movie, seems to be very funny.
Me : Which one ?
He : Eye-She-Queue.
Me : What..? Which movie is that? When did Hollywood start making movies with such crazy names?
He : Arey, this is not an English movie this is a Hindi movie.
Me : Are you mad, I never heard anything of that.

Now at the next turn he showed me the wall poster of that movie. It was ISHQ. Ajay devagan, Kajol, Aamir and Juhi’s. I almost had a skid, missed the gutter pump, hit directly to the buffalo and fell. See I said right.

Scene 4: End of college days:
With this frustration to learn, I decided to hit on to Hindi movies. That time we dont get much Hindi releases at my home town. But to my luck the movie “TAAL” came. I was hearing to its songs. One of the songs that caught my attention was this line in the “EYE-SHE-QUEUE bina” song…oops i mean “ISHQ bina’ song. One line excerpt goes like “Neeche ISHQ hai, uper RUB hai”. I was totally shocked and was like..WTF…? What guts these Hindi people have. How can one write such obscene lines directly in a song and that was said as a super hit of those times. “Neeche” means DOWN. “ISHQ” means LOVE. “Uper” means “Top”. And what is this RUB ON TOP funda. My ignorance was cleared when I later learnt that it is RAB not RUB. RAB means GOD and not to take that sound as in literal English.

Scene 5: Job searching days:
When things were like this, I felt the necessity to learn this language no matter what. So I decided to map Hindi words to day to day meanings and master it. That week attended one interview and coming back to my room I saw this North Indian fast food center on the road side. Feeling hungry I dropped in. There was this lady who was in her mid thirties, impressible enough to attract customers. I went in and said. “I need a CHOLI bath. Make that two. One take away. Should be soft also”. Sad to tell that I was dragged out of that center for speaking nonsense to her. Further explanation made me realize that the dish is called “Chole” not “Choli” and Choli means blouse.

Scene 6: New Job
These bizarre experiences continued even when I first joined this MNC. On my first day I went there with my appointment letter. The receptionist was a fluffy Bengali sitting in the center of the lobby and shez in her skirts. I said, “Am the new joinee, fresher”. She said, “Welcome” and gave me some sheet and said, “You sit there on that sofa and I will call you”. After few mins she called me and said “Tum yahan aav, kuch lick na hain”. I couldn’t understand what she meant by the word LICK, and to my confuse she was having those applications on her lap. Added to this confuse she said “Lick ne ke baad bolo, mein taste karunga”. This is heights. She wants me to LICK and then she says she wants to TASTE. Perplexed, I decided to call my Bengali friend and asked him what she meant. He explained, LICK means “to write” and I guess she would have meant “TEST” not “TASTE” and he said its PAAETHETIK, but that how Bengalis accent is. I realized that he meant pathetic. Ufff, I felt sad to know the meanings and filled up the application.

The next week I encountered the same lady in the elevator and I complimented her saying “You have very good dress sense”. She blushed and said, “Thanks”. Then I said, “COFFEE”..? She said, “Nahin, ab tho mein nikal na hai, kal 6:30 balcony mein bath karenge”. At that time I couldn’t understand what she said but felt that she wants to take BATH with me in the balcony. Twist is she quit the company that next day so my bathing equipment I have brought for that day went wasted.

Scene 7: Current situation:
Now fast forwarding to the present scenario my life has become like a Hindi top chart buster. Ever changing and happening. Work hard party harder. So come on guys let me play my all time favorite track for you all and join me on the dance floor.

DJ saab…start music…Readyyyyyyyyyy threeeeeeeeee twoooooooo oneeeeeeeee lets go HIP HOP RAP…eeeeeee…Neeche ISHQ hai…uper RUB hai..aa RUB..ahaa RUB..dinchak dinchak RUB..aa neeche…oo neeche..bhalle bhalle neeche..bhalle bhalle RUB”….“in dononke BEACH mein sab hai….! everybody hands UP in the air..RUB it in the beach..on yeah..oh baby rub it beach ahaa ahaa..cross ya legs tap ya feet..rub rub rub rub rub rub itttttttt”…!!!!!

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Rating 4.64 out of 5
Jan 202010

Prologue: After reading this post, your bike riding or your on road experience will never be the same again. I bet this post of mine will totally change the way you look at people and sure to bring lot of fun and naughtiness as well as ignite new ideas and make your journey less tiring and more entertaining. Requesting you all to visualize when you are reading this to get the best out of this post.

Being a single bachelor and an avid biker, I have inculcated this flair of entertaining myself in all the possible walks of my life. In this self-entertaining business, one thing which always fascinates me when I am riding a bike lies in observing the female pillion riders. Through these observations let me pick the top 7 entertaining pillion rider positions.
FYI: I used this term “Pillion rider” many a times, meaning the person who is seated on the back seat of the bike while riding.

1) The caterpillar girl: This is the most commonly found pillion rider who resembles a giant spring totally covered with flashy socks. The multiple spring like folds she has on her sides covered in a gaudy top always makes her look like a caterpillar on steroids from behind. May be these girls need this much in built suspension to sustain the bumpy Indian roads. Good for them. Next time you see a caterpillar girl please don’t spray pesticide on her. They are harmless.

2) Face off fellies: This category consists of busty females who sit to one side on the bike with crossed legs. This is quiet an acceptable position. But the spice is that they hold their top leg knee with both the hands embossing their bosom as if their want to seduce each and every on lookers. Phew. Having a major
soft corner for such females this is enough to get my adrenalin give me a kick and in this situation do we really care how her face is? No way. That’s why I call such females as Face off fellies. Long live these kinds.

3) Space bar girls: This is the saddest of all the categories. This funny seating happens when the girl sitting behind is not close to the diver or may be just a hi-bye friend or using the guy for her purpose. Coz of this, she sits as far as possible almost on back handle bar holding the farthest part of the bike may be the number plate if she could, making the driver feel he is suffering from some deadly contagious disease or may be they believe that touching a guy can cause pregnancy. There will be so much space in between them, where you can fit in one rolled Kurl-On mattress easily. Huhh…!!

4) Coin boxes: This section of riders are much prevalent in the colleges infested areas and sure a feast to eyes. These kinds of girls are ultra modern with care-free attitude. So are their dressings. They would generally be sporting a low waist jeans and sit in a piggy back position, in such a way that you can actually
see their butt cleavage. Being a pious guy it resembles me of a HUNDI and feel like putting a coin or two inside that at the next red signal and make a wish. Color color what color…shhh gup chup.

5) High Definition HD: Sorry guys I am revealing your secret here. And girls I want you to be aware of this thing guys tend to do. Guys when riding bikes at night times, whenever they encounter a nice lady pillion in front of them, involuntarily their bike head light switches to high beam revealing lot many things about that girl as if you are seeing in HD screen. If you are good at mathematics esp geometry, now you do the calculations, pattern recognitions and color codes. Girls beware and be-aware of such pranks. The good news is that times are changing. I noticed girls doing this to guys too. The balance is done. All is fair in love and bike riding.

6)SIN-derellas: This section of girls are generally termed as ‘The Babes’. They are so bold and attention seeking. They are usually found hugging their guys so tight, any more squeeze they would infact come from his front side. They are so crazy, given a chance they would definitely make sex on the bike itself. All you have to do is ride the bike and rest of the riding they would do. This is what I pray when I put the coin into that Coin box category girl’s, that every guy should get at least one SINderella in his life. He will learn and grow up in life. Everybody loves learning. Don’t we?

7)Tulsi Bhabhi : Do you remember this lead female by name TULSI in this never ending saga ” Kyun ki Saans Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi” serial? She is the kind of a person every traditional Indian female wants to be like her and every Indian male wants to screw her just out of curiosity how she would be in bed. Ditto to this mind set this category consists of females looking like Tulsi Bhabhi riding the back seat, so innocent and so naive. She always has her hand placed on the front upper thigh of her guy slightly on the right side of his crotch. Any jerk or bump will make her press that part for extra grip. God damn..I wonder how can anyone ride a bike normal with a lady’s hand there. If my girl does that to me sure I will have a spare bike in my Bedroom.

So folks, apart from these 7 categories, the rest of the people are just void and there is nothing much one should consider regarding them. Rest is up to your imagination and am sure you would start seeing things from this enhanced eye and get your naughty bone tickled.

Above all whether it is a bike or anything else, you better Drive safe and always wear a HELMET.

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Rating 3.58 out of 5
Jan 112010

The best thing GOD did in his life was to create a WOMAN. Just this reason is more than enough for me to pray GOD and adore his creation. Love you GOD. Tusi Great HO. Despite my enormous respect, love, craving and fascination for his creation, I always end up funny when it comes to talking with girls. Here are some tit-bits from my experiences.

After my gym I had a hot shower and just came directly out of it. As I was drying myself under the fan, gota call from one of my friend. She asked me where am I? I said, “I am under the fan”. She couldn’t hear the last word and said,”Under where..”? I said, “No under wear. Have to wear it”. Beeeeeeeeeeeeep. She hung up the phone.

Was on phone with one nice chubby girl, on phone I mean the phone is not big enough for me and her to be sitting or sleeping or doing whatever its just that to say I was talking with her. The conversation went on like:

Me : Hoi, what are you doing for the weekend?
Chubby girl : Oh Vizzy, am going for shopping in commercial street..(giggles)..I just loooove shopping…(giggles).
Me : Oh wow..what do you want to buy..?
Chubby girl : I want to buy some “finger rings”…!
Me : (Shocked to her answer to the core)..Really…fingerings…? :O:O:O Gurlie why go there to buy,
come to my room I will give you free.

She hung up the phone. That’s why I say, Free service never has its value in this world. Huhh..!

This one made be ROFL:
I can still remember her. A fair North Indian female and a visual treat. I was in one project discussion with her and we are discussing regarding memory leak issues. Most of the discussion went with words like messages..memory etc. Sentences like “This memory leak is always a problem for me”…”Why are we sending messages to that address of the memory”…”This is a wrong message”…”This is sucking off the memory”..”No more memory”..”Memory is full”..”memory allocation/deallocation”..”message sequencing”..”memory structure”..and whole lot of discussion. Now the irony: Her North Indian accent makes her pronounce the word “memory” as “mammary” and ‘message” as “massage”. Now read all those lines I said above replacing those two words as specified.

Now-a-days the IT field is picking up after recession, everyone sending resumes to everyone and checking on that. This extra soft acquaintance of mine called me and we started talking about IT, recession, recruitments etc. Suddenly she asked me if I have anything open for her. I said “LEGS”. Before I realized my involuntary answer, she hung up the phone saying she will drink water and then call me. Past a week I guess she is still drinking water. Huhh..

Another incident happened on the similar kind of topic on my office communicator with this innocent puffed girl.
She : Hey V, this is my sister’s resume and I am sending this only to you and want you to fwd it among your friends please.
Me : Whats that big about me..? Why don’t you do it yourself and send it to all?
She : Noooooo. Your circle is bigger than mine. You know me na, I have a very small circle. Thats why.

Trust me, I don’t know which circle she is talking about and I didn’t had guts to cross check that with her. Hard to keep quiet. Phew.

This will rip your ribs for sure. Once I was speaking about my mom’s sisters with this girl who I got to know recently. In my language mom’s sister(mausi) is called as Pinni. I was telling that my elder Pinni is the one who used to take care and baby sit me in my childhood. My younger Pinni used to teach and take care of our studies and schooling blah blah..!! Suddenly due to out of coverage area the phone got disconnected. I called her back and asked her, what was I saying. One of the shocking answers I ever heard in my life, she said, “You were telling me about your Pinnis”. I jumped in my shoes and almost had a cardiac.Grasping for my breathe I said, “What the heck, when did I start telling about parts of my body”? She hung up the phone. Lifes like that. I hate this Beeeeep beeeeeep sound.

Request to my dear readers :
Teach me how to win girls and make friendship with them. Save a bachelor. Use the comment board and enlighten me.

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Rating 4.62 out of 5
Jan 072010

The times goes way back into my kidhood days where my class teacher Rani was teaching us singular and plural. Teacher was asking us to tell her the plural forms of certain words from her notes. The sequence went like this:

Teacher : Charan tell me plural for lady?
Charan  : Plural for lady is Ladies teacher.
Teacher : Next. Pavan what is the plural for baby?
Pavan   : Babies teacher.
Teacher : Vijay now tell me what is the plural for party?
Vijay   : Parties teacher.
Teacher : Hey you Vineel, What is the plural for TEST?

And I have no idea what is the plural for TEST and as per the flow I immediately said TESTIS, in the same flow as how these guys sounded. I don’t know why she got so angry for my answer and she failed me giving an F in my progress report without telling the reason atleast. Being dumb at subjects but with an inquisitive mind I later came to know the meaning for that word in my intermediate when I first learnt how to read dictionary. After that I never stopped reading dictionary.

From that time onwards I was smitten and cursed by this letter F and was haunted by all of its words. To tell you few examples :

Recently I was at some party and I dropped my fork while eating a big lump of chapati and sabji. With food in my mouth I asked the serving waitress that I need a Fork. That perplexed waitress went and complained against me to the floor in-charge that I am using fowl language. I said FORK with mouthful of food. Whats wrong in that?

One more incident was way back in 2005 when I was in Stockholm before some extravaganza showroom. There was this big bill board with “FCUK” script being displayed. I thought it was a spelling mistake and asked the showroom manager why such a blunder. He showed his pity and educated me that it means “French Connection of United Kingdom” a notable designer brand. See this is what I am saying.

Another one goes with the recent pandemic that created havoc around he world. I was at the super market to buy some spices. Coz of the clustered aisle I sneezed. 4 people did two back flip somersault and landed away from me looking shit scared as if I forced them to a mouth to mouth respiration with me infected with Swine Flu. Come on..its just a normal Flu sneeze. Grrrrrr.

It was in Italy, standing before one monument where there are lots of short fountains shooting high up to the waist. All at floor level, no fence around and kids playing with water. While I was enjoying the scene, one kid bumped into me and pushed me unto the fountain. Instantly I wet my pants with that fountain water. As I turned around, one passer by lady said “the restroom is right over there and don’t teach stupid things to kids”. Though wetting myself over a Fountain might be my fantasy but not like this atleast. Oh come on..I hate F.

Because of all such chain of events all through I always kept myself away from all these F’actors. Like not watching my fav TV channel the FTV(okay except the midnight lingerie shows).. avoided Fountains..stopped using forks..stopped seeing 20th century FOX movies..and lot more.

When things are like this one of my friends invited me to his promotion party at this exotic lounge called “The F-bar”. I was thinking should I take chances or should I get used to this F’obia. I decided to go whatever. With some process running in my mind I was very careful all through enjoying the ambience and music. All of a sudden some gorgeous lady who is more heavy on the upper half of her body came to me and asked If I need a ^%$@&%$@…!! In that loud music and her western accent I couldn’t get what that something was and to my basic understand of English and its supported vocab I replied, “No no lady I don’t want any Frock. I don’t cross dress”. Immediately she called me a FOOL, showed me some F’inger and said FO. I still didn’t get what she meant by FO but all I know was she might be upset for not buying the Frock.

Thats how my life is as of now..and just yesterday night some Swami came in my dreams as said this will be broken on First night. I questioned him “Swami, recently Jan 1st got over and which month’s 1st night please tell me? That Swami screamed for my question and he also said FO and showed some finger. I think it is the finger he showed couldn’t make in that dream properly. Anyways me waiting for F’eb F’irst night. Pray for me.

Teacher : Charan tell me plural for lady?
Charan  : Plural for lady is Ladies teacher.
Teacher : Next. Pavan what is the plural for baby?
Pavan   : Babies teacher.
Teacher : Vijay now tell me what is the plural for party?
Vijay   : Parties teacher.
Teacher : Hey you Vineel, What is the plural for TEST?

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Rating 4.53 out of 5
Jan 072010

There was some blood donation campaign in our office and all the people with higher blood levels went to donate their blood. Being a guy of the same kind I also went to donate my blood for the first time in my life. I have absolute no idea how the whole process goes.

That whole area was stinking with spirit smell but clean and hygienic. People are looking so upset as if they came there to donate their kidneys. Might be half from each kidney making it one together. I wonder whats there to feel upset about giving few ml of blood for the needy. I was asked to take my seat for my turn by some guy at the entrance. He looked thin n starved as a mosquito aptly suiting for his job as an in charge. Me smiling and looking at all the temporary posters hung and posted on the walls I spent some minutes awaiting my turn. One of the posters I observed was with the word DONATE on the top and below was Pamela Anderson in the center holding two placards at her elbow level with BL in one hand and D on the other hand. I couldn’t understand what it is all about. Anyway I was called and I went in.

There was this fair chubby intern in her white tight apron. I gave AM EXCITED TO SEE YOU kind of smile and sat. Quick glance of her, I noticed she has this name tag as “Pronathi Mukharjee” on the right side of her bust. I don’t know what is the left one called. I didn’t dare to ask her . But wondered doctors sure have name for everything. She asked me to show her my finger. I involuntarily showed my middle finger. She became pink and said not that finger. Realizing my mistake, sheepishly I gave her my ring finger thinking if she going to put a ring to me. She said Mr.Vineel show me your forefinger. My inability to understand singular and plural I showed her all my four fingers. She turned red and said in loud voice “point finger you idiot” but muzzled the last two words. Confused as what to point and with which finger, I put my fore finger as if I am pointing to her name tag. She now screamed “turn it over mister”. I thought its the chance for my dream come true and was about to extend my hand further to turn it over. Realizing my innuendo that Bengali doctor held my wrist like a taekwondo professional pressed it hard and turned it upside down. I heard a crack somewhere between my nerves there. Before I realized I saw her take my fore finger into her mouth like a cannibal and snip of a bit of my finger including half of my nail like a piranha. The truth is she has put that incisor needle with all that revenge into my finger resulting in a small red fountain on top of my finger. I said wowwww and asked her if she can take a snap of that with my cell so that I put it in orkut. She ignored it. She collected all that fountain in some funny shaped glass container. I asked “is that all am I done”. She said this is for sample test. After a lil while she said I have 15% of hemoglobin and its a good sign. I said tanks. Later she said “to go straight turn left you will be right”. Thinking about the poster I saw outside replacing Pam with Pronathi I went straight turned right and I was left..I mean left alone. Back trailed my path I found the area where everyone is donating blood.

Now another intern saw me from distance showed me the bed beside her and beckoned me to come near her. I was like :-O :-O is that real…? Went gleaming and said is it okay like in front of everybody we do this. She said how do you want to do it? Crossed legs I said you wish. She made me lie down and took a big long wire. I thought she is going to tie my hands to the cot and strip me naked. As soon as I lied down she has lift my sleeves. That was kinky. Before I realized whats happening I saw myself with that wire tied to my arm and a big syringe into my nerves a nice polythene bag collecting my blood and it is in fluorescent green. I shouted at the top of my voice and everyone came running. Almost broke I said is my blood in green color. All those lady interns laughed saying its the bag color not my blood color. When they were laughing I was smiling and giggling. Isn’t it nice to see so many female interns standing beside you and you seeing them from down. Thats why I say, Life is always wonderful. Just that you need to look at all the wonderful things God has made.

After some time they said its done and measured the blood content. It was 360 ml of my blood ready to be used. Feeling happy for the number I walked from that place thinking about the name tag of Pronothi and my unanswered questions still lingering in my mind.

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Rating 4.79 out of 5
Jan 072010

JAPAN – The first thing we get to mind when we hear this word is an atom bomb .that Littleboy and the Fatman you remember? next comes their technology. The third picture will be of those hardworking ppl. I will talk about those nuclear stuff and that TRICKnowledge later, but here i want to tell about one intermittent thing we hardly talk about. The Japanese food.

Today I happened to have my tongue taste something very different. Something real Japanese. Okay let me be clear, am talking regarding some root or its a plant or a root plant don’t know what but a pure veggie stuff. Sorry to disappoint you folks to use this veggie word but its true. It is called Wasabi. Despite having dexterity of eating a fish with chopsticks the funda of eating this is quiet unusual. The mere look of this scared me inside out. The whole dish is called soba. Consisting of grey colored noodles. Yeah you read it correct its GREY colored noodles. First time in my life seeing noodles of this color (heard that soba can be found with black colored noodles also. Some day I will put that pic also) and you have a small cup with some less viscosity syrup looking like fermented blood but actually made out of some seaweed, vinegar, soy and fish scales. Another small cup consists of one spade like scrapper and a 4 inch length x 1 inch diameter root with beaten sprouts all over it. That is called Wasabi. Now my excitation levels and my urge to try exotic foods shot up. The game is u got to scrape Wasabi to that scrapper and you get fine grated paste. Now take chops, mix that paste into that syrup. I remembered my chemistry lab sessions in my junior intermediate where I tried to mix H2SO4 with aqua Fortis and burnt the lab table.

I was a lil scared if some big green gaseous bubble will pop out of that potion n a voice speaks to me “TELL ME MY MASTER, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU”. Unfortunately nothing of that sort happened. lil disappointed. Now you take that grey noodles and dip them in this syrup and slurp them in. WHOA .worth the preparation. I cant tell this is the taste I like or can call as love at first slurp but sure this is different. I expected Wasabi to taste like a pith pulp or like some Natraj plasto eraser, coz it did smell so pungent but looks tell like – hey am tasteless. This is one weird taste something like ginger mixed with Hajmola and perfumed with sweetened tincture. I swear it did taste like that. Now don’t ask me when I did taste all these b4. But this is what I felt just in case if we do. The best thing is I liked Wasabi. Sure this going to be a part of my regular delicacies from now on wards.

One more thing talking about SOBA the grey noodles, it has got high traditional values in Japan. This soba is eaten as an usher of good luck, prosperity and as a good omen. esp. when you move to a new house on new years day when you start some new venture etc, you start by eating Soba.

On the whole I enjoyed the lunch today, a typical traditional Japanese style, and awaiting what good luck this food going to bring me with all crossed fingers. No doubt these people are so healthy and have the highest life span rate in the world. Jai Jai Japan .!!!

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Rating 4.60 out of 5
Jan 072010

Hahahha…as most of the foreigners, I also became the scapegoat to the technology these Japanese have. Bagging the credit of shitting in 9 different countries of Europe above all being a typical Indian, wherever I go to do my calls I used to go with a coke bottle or some pet bottle, that too into washrooms designed for physically challenged people. Not because I use a wheel chair or I am physically challenged (touch wood) but thats the only place where we can find water outlets. Else u hardly find washbasins in toilets anywhere in Europe.

But here in Japan, it was a total new excitement n something to do with IQ. Did I say IQ…huhh.. Once I gave my MENSA for dummies test and the computer spat on me saying better not to take this test again in this life. So being skeptical about my IQ, as soon as I checked into the Hotel after my long haul flight from Singapore,  first thing to do was to run into toilet. There I saw some miniature space ship kind of gadget. I thought it was that alien EVE we see in this movie Wall-E.

Somehow thinking that it will talk to me or atleast wish me Hi I slowly touched it. Nothing happened. Then I realized it is some kind of commode these Japanese use to do shit. Some how I sat to do my course telling sorry just in case my thought comes alive and this alien shakes hand with me. At that thought I noticed one arm rest like panel, on my right hand side of the commode with some scriptures n symbols on it. Astonished and looking funny, I was puzzled thinking what the heck was this..? Is it some interactive gaming as Nintendo’s WII calling as score hitting while shitting kinds or is it some kind of gadget of CCTV for extra security. U can’t believe Japanese TRICKknowledge. Can’t take chances. So I was smiling all the way of my act if theres some web cam out there hidden so that I would look good n cheerful. Come on. Everybody wants to look good on TV. ..don’t we…?

Now am done…getting puzzled again what this touch panel is…to my remotest though I felt it has something to do with the act itself. whoa…the whole commode is digitalized. Am sitting on a digitalized commode at my service to do everything I want the pot to do. functions like 1) seat warming 2) initial auto sensors to flush lil bit as soon as u sit 3)deodorizers for odour absorption 4) flush sounds ( just the sounds ) to muzzle the droppings n embarrassing sounds 5) water sprayers with 5 levels of water pressure adjustment to clean 6) another spray for diff areas of ur butt 7) wide span sprinklers 8) stop button 9) timers cuts – just in case u did something wrong or over did things, esp for guys like me …lolz 10) blow dryers…etc etc…!!

What a way to shit. Being a lazy sloth am just so pleased and fascinated to see this technology. Forget the multi level subways or the bullet trains. This is just heaven. All u have to do is sit n shit. head over heels on this, I had a doubt, if theres some facility to have a robotic arm with a guided joystick where u can get the hose inserted into ur rectum n have the bionic enema injected n get the shit outta ya….just in case if you feel constipated. Good jeez nothing of that sort as of now. But u can always expect it. U never know. Japanese technology is the best….!! 😉

Now don’t dream with all these facilities. You have some panels completely in Japanese. You dont know what to press and how it responds. So next time you encounter these kind of commodes, I caution you do ur initial trial and error and get accustomed to the symbols. Else you end up either wetting you w’hole butt and dress or burning your base if the previous fellow has put the hot blower at max level or the commode thinks you as a female and have a total different set of cleaning functionality.

Its all just another way to blush with every flush. Have fun..!!

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Rating 4.78 out of 5
Jan 062010

OXYMORON – This is one among those few words which
describes Me. This script was written by me some ages back
but edited according to this day and place, and want to host this online here.

The beauty of this article lies in my idea – to write and article on
OXYMORONs, by not writing an article on OXYMORONs,
yet writing an article on OXYMORONS – got it…??

For those who dunno what an OXYMORON means:
An oxymoron (plural oxymora or, more commonly, oxymorons) (noun) is a figure of speech that combines two normally contradictory terms (e.g. “deafening silence”) to make a point.

Now here we go
Oxymoron … Oxymoron… Oxymoron… Ever heard of them…….???????
Probably YES , probably NO … or both together. But sure this word is annoying me comfortably so as to write an article to please it hard especially on these days of my working vacations. So, in this noisy calm weather of Budapest, here I sit with a pen and a diet coke, all alone together, and thinking nothing as what to write. Though I got this site at a very late age of my young life, since then am feeling that I should become a resident alien on this home page.

With plastic glasses on my nose, I first thought of writing about some peace force of United States or on some Military Intelligence of Rwanda. But felt its truly impractical to write something on such trivial things. So I permanently changed my mind not to give in for a take on this thought.

Watching about extinct life on Discovery inventions program , these thoughts went on and on and on… while I was constantly surfing channels. I just turned aside and gazed at my transparent mirror, I found something missing within my heart soul and felt like going out for a while to relax – after all am a single bachelor in my life. Immediately I turned off the TV where a documentary film on some business ethics in political sciences was getting broadcasted. Anyway I wore my tight slack and went out, locking the door behind.

This thought still persisting in my mind once in a while, I bumped into a library which is near far from my room. There I joined a small crowd talking about temporary tax increase in those so called calm zones. Within a short time break, I realized I wont fit into those butt headed topics and went away from myself. On the move I started taping live scenes through my eye lens, so that I can use them in writing this article if any. Way back to my place, though being a teetotaler, I thought of getting drunk legally. But with held the desire. I walked past the streets the whole evening like a living dead but acting naturally. At last I came back home. I took a hot shower bath and with a synthetic cotton towel around my waist I switched on my CD player for some soft rock to listen.

I poured the strong black coffee from the cold casserole with some ice cubes chips and sugar jelly on top. Gazing at the stars, wishing I should have been in some government organization instead of doing software designing, my thoughts flew all over the empty sky reaching nowhere.

Wait a minute for sometime …let me do my exact estimation of these self proclaimed, so called advanced basic thoughts resembling like a new classic of the modern past. Terribly pleased with all my true lies, sitting with thunderous silence all around in my balcony with an old new book in hand, drinking that bitter sweet cold coffee, and silently screaming that I completed this article – with the same difference from the beginning, I gave a start to end this article.

With little bit of religious tolerance and cruel kindness, I pray GOD to excuse all those people who would call this article as a genuine imitation of intelligent stupidity, so that they wont call me a wise fool.

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